It is never comfortable to feel that we are failing at something in life. When a relationship starts to falter, we can become surprisingly creative in the ways we defend ourselves against that reality. We minimise, justify and deflect: “Of course, I’m not perfect, but this really is all his/her fault”; “What do you mean we never talk? What were we doing when we went out with Rob and Sue?”; “I’m not avoiding you; I’ve just got to get this work done/answer this message …”; “Oh come on! I haven’t had a chance to watch any of my TV programmes this week”; “What do you mean I’m always on Facebook [bing … type, type, swipe]?”

These responses can feel convincing in the moment, yet they often keep us at a distance from something more uncomfortable: the possibility that the relationship itself is in difficulty, and that we are part of that picture.

When communication breaks down

If you find yourself in a relationship that is struggling, it’s common to feel that things can’t be worked out. That sense of stuckness can creep in gradually or arrive quite suddenly. When it does, communication has usually already broken down, or perhaps was never strong to begin with. A sense of not mattering or a lack of intimacy often reflect a deeper difficulty: not being able to properly reach or connect with one another, and therefore not being able to talk things through in a way that feels meaningful or safe.

Looking beneath surface problems

It isn’t always easy to recognise where communication is going wrong. Surface issues can quickly take over, drawing attention away from what sits underneath. Day-to-day frustrations,

misunderstandings and small resentments can build up, making it harder to find a clear and honest voice with each other. Even serious matters such as affairs or addictions may be secondary symptoms rather than root causes. When we begin to understand that many relationship difficulties grow from a deep need for genuine communication and understanding, counselling or therapy can start to shift things in a meaningful and lasting way.

Vertical and horizontal relationships (the Adlerian perspective)

One helpful way of understanding what can go wrong in relationships comes from Adlerian psychology, particularly the idea of vertical and horizontal relating. In vertical relationships, one person takes a “one-up” position and the other a “one-down” position. This can show up as superiority and inferiority, authority and compliance or even subtle forms of criticism and defensiveness. When couples become stuck in this pattern, conversations can easily turn into power struggles, where the focus shifts from understanding each other to being right, winning or protecting oneself.

By contrast, horizontal relating is based on an egalitarian stance. It involves seeing one another as equals, even when there are differences in opinion, feeling or need. This does not mean always agreeing, but it does mean holding a mutual respect for each other’s experience. Moving from a vertical to a horizontal way of relating often helps to reduce conflict and defensiveness, creating more space for curiosity, listening and genuine dialogue.

Understanding your relationship story

In my couples counselling and therapy practice, I often begin by exploring what each person believes about the relationship they are in. What does the relationship mean to them now? What do they feel has been lost, and what, if anything, still feels alive? Too often, people wait until very late before seeking help. By that stage, it can feel as though one partner has already disengaged, or is close to doing so. Bringing that unspoken reality into the open, however difficult, is an important first step and often a relieving one.

Therapy aims to help both partners step back and view the relationship more objectively. A key part of this is moving away from “blame conversations” and towards a shared enquiry into how the relationship has reached its current point. This is not about assigning fault, but about developing understanding. Through this process, a clearer narrative begins to emerge: the story of the relationship over time, including its strengths as well as its strains. It can also bring into focus important background factors such as bereavement, work pressures or financial concerns that may be quietly shaping what is happening in the present.

The separation of tasks

Another Adlerian concept that can be particularly helpful is the separation of tasks. This idea invites us to consider what is truly our responsibility and what belongs to the other person. In relationships, we can easily become entangled in trying to manage, control or take responsibility for our partner’s feelings, reactions or choices. For example, one partner may feel responsible for keeping the other happy, while the other may expect this as a given. Over time, this can lead to pressure, resentment and further disconnection.

Separating tasks means recognising that while we can influence one another, we are not responsible for each other’s internal world. My task might be to express myself clearly and honestly; your task is how you choose to respond. When couples begin to work with this idea, it often reduces blame and helps each person reclaim a sense of personal responsibility, while also respecting the autonomy of the other.

Beyond talking: Change in action

It is important to understand that couples therapy is not just a mental exercise. When fully engaged with, it involves changes in behaviour as well as deeper emotional understanding. Patterns such as addiction, anger, withdrawal or any form of threat to physical safety must be addressed in terms of the impact they have on trust, intimacy and communication. Emotional avoidance can create a sense of risk around expressing what is really going on inside, leaving important thoughts and feelings unspoken. Over time, this can deepen the sense of distance between partners.

Our early attachment experiences can also shape how we behave in adult relationships. The ways we learned to seek closeness, manage conflict or protect ourselves emotionally often reappear, sometimes without us realising it. These patterns can be helpful at times, but they can also become restrictive or damaging, especially when they go unexamined. Therapy offers a space to notice and reflect on these patterns, and to begin experimenting with different, more constructive ways of relating, including moving towards more horizontal, respectful forms of connection.

What to expect from couples therapy

Your first session of couples counselling may not immediately lead to date nights, renewed intimacy, thoughtful gestures or a sense of fun together. Change rarely happens that quickly. However, with the right approach, and at the right time, therapy can help you begin to understand what you each need, how you have arrived where you are, and what it might take to move forward together. Even small shifts in understanding, responsibility and communication can begin to open up new possibilities within the relationship.